pinkmonarch

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/offbeat/2008/05/21/natpkg.rat.cat.dog.kcoy

Van Gough teaches cat to ride on dog....rat to ride on cat

today a man asked me for change, when i turned him down he just smiled and kept walking, and then turned around and told me i looked like an angel

but i sure dnt feel like an angel, i just feel like i keep letting everyone around me down, including myself




mostly myself

so theres been allot going on with me lately, more drama than i usually let make its way into my life, but i found that every time i came to try and talk about it here it didn't make allot of since why i should.

I feel like lately ive been trying to do little things that make me feel more grown up, whether they have anything to do with growing up or not, like getting contacts, dying my hair a bit, and finally carrying a real purse.

and im adding another to the list, i no longer want pink monarch to be my place to come and vent or wine publicly about whats going on in my head. So im transforming pink monarch into more of a illustrative journal. I like it more when i see people keeping track with their work on here, and it feels like a good place to share the happy little accidents that happen sometimes in sketchbooks or 3 in the morning that you dnt really have a place to show anywhere else.

so for starters i give you squid bee and the tragedy of companion cube.



Im in childrens book right now where im writing a story where the main character is a Bee, and for some reason decided that since i was studying them so intently as of late, using a bee for my first character development pice in Portfilio was a good idea too.

unfortunately these 2 classes are back to back.

so afer about 4 hours of drawing bees over and over again i got to one and suddenly decicded that there was no way i could possibly draw another pair of bee leggs, this became...




squid bee!

soon after that i began doodling companion cube in my sketch bookout of longing for a plush companion cube of my own (everyone should buy and play portal, BUY IT NOWWW!!)

and soon after that, this fell out of my head




and yes i know that squid beaks are under their leggs and i forgot the arm thingies, but i didnt get to check it till after class, it was out of my head with no real studies of squids before hand, so cut me some slack thanks.







WHERE ARE YOU COMPANION CUBE

The quarter is ending and the weather is cooling. finally able to wear the winter cloths ive collected this quarter, 2 lovely second hand coats and a pair of knit gloves that seem to be determined to ruin themselves before December can even arrive.

its the best time of year, when not only the temperature changes, but the smells and the sights, and the people it touches change too.

Spent alot of time since spring breaking my own heart on rocks i found myself, tried to hard to control the path i was on and trekked away from what was set before me, into a wood unknown. I feel like ive made it back though and am happily traveling back down the dirt path of my life.

no more forced relationships and friendships, and no more forcing those that i have away from me.

I'm looking forward to winter quarter, I got overwhelmed this quarter by the negative outlook our department has on children's book illustration. but am ending the quarter more encouraged due to the interest people have suddenly developed in my style. children's books may very well not be where the money is but someones got to make their niche there. why not me?




a small sampling of something new


I'm finally moving out of the dorms next quarter, really looking forward to having a real space of my own. not just having a room to myself but a place that i can call a real home away from the house i grew up in. the dorms have never been a home.

I jus wory that teh way im feeling right now might be the calm before the storm of going home to the insanity that it always is, oh well

pale man: last spotted at the vortex in Atlanta

http://youtube.com/watch?v=p2Nc1kvAF3A

i want one so bad!

Dear Calcifer, you were a very good fish, i liked you very much and i hope that you liked me too.

farewell my fishy friend






i guess that means that howl is dead now too :(

as per number 8 I MUST DO THIS

if you comment on this post ...
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll challenge you to try something.
3. I'll pick a colour that i associate with you.
4. I'll tell you something i like about you.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory about you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you.
8. You must post this on yours.

today i woke up pretty apprehensive about the day, not feeling all that confident like i expected to when i returned to this city, but to my surprise somewhere from the walk from the dorms to the illustration building i found that feeling of home. i dnt know if it was just from doing something more familiar to how life was before or passing pulaski and remembering a lil of my old self but once i got to class i was feeling good, and some of my favorite professors were around and seemed happy to see me back which made me happy.

and for once i had no problem being the one to start conversation in class. rather than just being quiet and doing my shit.

guess i just needed to find my confidence first in my working class environment than the new party scene.

things are going to work out, jus seems like i might have a lil more of a roller coaster ride still till i get to a better place of confidence. i know when we get further into classes it should help alot. jus wish i could have as much confidence in my personality alone as i do in my work.

but everything is good now and should be better soon

back in Savannah finally. i really do feel more in my element although i dnt think i really understood just how different things would be. my roommate Carrie is a total sweetheart, shes a transfer and feeling somewhat out of place and strangely i cant help but feel like i really relate to her.

and i know that allot of the change with some of the people around me has allot more to do with myself than anything else.

i thought that my awkwardness in atl had alot to do with people i didnt relate to. but most of the new people i meet in savannah i feel awkward around now too.

guess maybe its the wrong crowd. or else still something in myself i havnt figured out yet.

but theres still people im ok around so i dnu how much of it is me or how much of it is the changes. i just always had this image in my mind of getting back and everything being the way it was before.

and even when i acknowledged the changes i didnt think theyd be so hard to adjust to. made the misconception that parties now would be the same, just with new faces. but i forgot to take into account the new faces having new personalities. and hanging out in Savannah is nothing that it used to be.

hopefully the awkwardness with subside. and ill find my new place.


till then just have to try my best not to do anything too terribly anoying or awkard lol.

but its good to be back.

only time will tell where life is headed now.

"And sometimes when you're on
You're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along
And they love you
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
And you'll be better
You'll be smarter
More grown up and a better daughter or son
And a real good friend"

HAHAHA

oh high school, why were you so full of christan angst!

i was cleaning out the bottom of my closet today and found a ton of cd's from high school including

Luti-Kriss
Norma Jean
Living Sacrifice
Atreyu
Thursday
eso charis
Outsight
Blindside

and a burnt cd with a X drawn on it that i think might have been one of me and him call it us first cds that blake burnt for me


my god

i dnt know if i should hate myself for ever owning such things or just be grateful im no longer that person!

prob pices of both.

who wants to play the cd microwave game!

this has just been one great big summer of high school flash backs, guess its only appropriate for me to find these now lol



on a better high school music note though ive also found things on my computer form way back when that i havnt listened to in forever yay for Koufax!

the day care is complete! ::dance:: i know im going to really like it in a couple weeks when i go back and look at the photos but right now im so sick of looking at some of the images that i wanna puke a lil.

heres a few samples










more are posted on facebook...where ive also tagd people as characters in the mural cause everyone knows its the cool thing to do/get people to look at your artwork.

:D

"the mind and heart are a funny team. never matching up and always leaving it to you to determine who to listen to and who to ignore, and maybe if you can stifle the voice of one of them long enough you can finally start believing what you preach."

i was thinking about that entry today. how this summer ive been everything but independent, but wouldn't let anyone close to me.

theres something new in me now n days though, that i keep thinkings going to disappear the next day, but i wake up every day hopeful now. feeling full of life

before id spend the most of my days feeling depressed, with the occasional moments of clarity and happiness that would quickly fade

but i think its turned around for good now. cause while every day is always going to be filld with the good and the bad i think the best judgment of your overall self can be defined by how you feel when your alone. the feelings you get right before sleep and when you wake can be the most lonely. which is probably why, as most people know about me, i hate to sleep alone.

quite recently ive found rest that i dnt think i ever remember having, i fall asleep more peacefully and sleep more soundly than i can ever remember doing before without having someone beside me.

and when i wake up im always content. happy with myself as an individual and who i am without anyones aid.

i still get moments when im a little nuts, read into things to much and question peoples honesty while simultaneously trying so hard to believe it.

and as strange as it sounds, even the colors and emotions that i associate with a sound state of mind when meditating have changed. which can only mean to me that ive drastically changed.

when i look back at the past year i no longer get sad about things being different than they had been

im glad that my life has carried me so far is such a short amount of time.

so i think that i can finnaly practice what i preach. and my mind and heart are agreeing for once. life is good

finally! some honesty, from the one place i didn't expect to find it too.

Im back

Lacoste and this past summer felt like a really difficult cleansing process of myself. but i think ive finally found it just in time to go back to Savannah, i cant believe how much ive cursed that city in the past, now n days it sounds like such a sweet sweet word to me haha. it might smell bad and have terrible crime, but you cant beat the people. you cant find it in everyone, but if you look in the right places you'll find the purest forms of honesty and strength. and i think those are things ive finally reestablished in myself, i hope.

I think i had to fall apart in order to create a new me, one that has once again been able to find the enchantment in the world like i was able to before, one that loves instead of loathes the fault in mankind. a much much stronger and independent, but also a much sadder, version of myself.

everything feels so in place, except an unexplainable sadness that follows me, but also not the same kind as the sadness ive felt most this summer. i think its mainly one of nostalgia, a mourning for a different kind of me with different hopes and dreams. It's one that makes me strangely happy at the same time, like im glad that i can love enough to regret and miss the past, but wont become trapt in it.

there is one undeniable truth about this year i can tell myself though, nothing will ever be the way it was in years past, i think ive known it all summer, but before it made me anxious, while now i look at it hopefully, and somewhat fearful of the unknown. but it should be a good year nonetheless.

heres to making this the best damn senior year ever

"Well sometimes when I am feeling so grand
And I become the world
And the world becomes a man

And my song becomes a part of the river
I cry out to keep me just the way I am
According to plan

According to man, according to plan
According to man, according to plan
Oh there's a chance peace will come
In your life, please buy one
Oh there's a chance peace will come
In your life, please buy one"

"But it was only in my head
because no one ever says
what they really mean to say
when there's so much at stake
So I told her I loved her and she told me she loved me
and I mostly believed her and she mostly believed me"

why do people lie so much to make things simple when all it does is make things hard?

...but i found a bee yesterday, he was my friend for awhile but then flew away, but he made me happy at the time, maybe i should raise bees :D

i wish i could take a version of me from the previous year and talk to it, just so it could be more obvious to me that i am changing, and that while i can remember so many wonderful things, people, and moments from the past that who i was then was most likely not as strong as who i am now.

its hard not to not think that because your life isn't nearly as good as it felt then that the problem lies within yourself, that the things you've been trying to do to make yourself better are actually doing more harm to yourself and the people around you. i know im stronger and more independent than ive ever been but then why do i spend so much more time sad when im alone.

theres so many things i wish i could say to some of the people in my life and ive never felt more like i wasn't able to. so much more in my life im no longer willing to get hurt over.

always feeling so inadequate in this place. i will never come back to anywhere near the Gwinnett area when i graduate.

and i know theres something wrong with me when the only place i can admit my insecurities now n days is in a online journal, in hopes of inadvertently communicating that i need some help from someone.

and a really big part of me keeps screaming out one thing it thinks that im missing in my life, but im pretty sure ive already ruined all chances,

"O my dear you're a threat to the bad we all see
I'm beside myself for the...grace of your eyes that can see good in me
...when they say that I'm just a terrible kite
You'll tell them you're proud of my loveless flight"

its easy to say you know its important to learn to love yourself before anyone else can. but much easier said than accomplished. each day becomes easier and easier to define myself by my own terms but i still find that im constantly looking to the approval of others to verify that im a good person.

and as much as i can know for a fact that i want to stand on my own for now, and preach to every person i get close to that i want to be alone, i wake up every morning wishing to be loved.

the mind and heart are a funny team. never matching up and always leaving it to you to determine who to listen to and who to ignore, and maybe if you can stifle the voice of one of them long enough you can finally start believing what you preach.

i feel like i spend to much time trying to make life easy by trying my best to avoid the mind games, and always laying everything i feel or think onto the table to soon, and trying my best to trust that others are doing the same. when most likely they rnt

but the facts are you cant make life easy, it was made to be hard, and if you overanalize every situation you miss out on living.

i want to love the people i love without reason, with no expectations for the same in return. friendships are easily ruined sometimes because one person believes in one more than the other. but who said emotions have to be returned. if i love myself then thats all that matters, and if i do want a actual relationship again one day, i want them to love me for who i am, not who i could be.

"the only things you learn are the things you tame" but to many people try to control the things they tame. so wheres the balance between standing firm on your own but still leting people in without getting caught?

"i loved them so easy and i loved them so free, so i don't think that heaven will want to love me

by the dawns early light, no light shines on me"